Now you may be wondering why that is... I mean in reality, I suppose today really isn't any different. I'm still behind in homework. I'm still craving a sugar induced coma, a direct result of Chevron's rip-off of the famed Slurpee. And I still can't get Angelina Jolie's leg out of my mind. Except there is one glaring, difference...
Today, is Leap Year Day.
Today is February 29th, the day that only happens every four years. The day our revolving earth, which spins entirely unbeknownst to the billions of humans that traverse it's rocky shell each and ever day, catches up on lost time. Or is it gained time? I've never been able to sort that out. Whenever anyone tries to explain to me the physics of the Leap Day (it is physics... isn't it?), I simply fade away, my mind wandering to something else, anything else, like what the world would be like if women could squeeze ground beef out of their... Well wherever it is that my mind wanders, it is so entirely removed and detached, that I've never been able to understand this day. And while I am a rational man, looking to science and reason to explain the workings of the complex bubble we call life, rather than myth and religion, it wasn't until I heard the real story of Leap Year Day, that I finally understood. And realized what it really is that we should be worshipping.
I came across the following account of the very first Leap Year Day, and let me tell you, if it has half as much of an effect on you as it has on me, you will be looking at not only this particular day, but your entire life, in a completely different way. It's life changing. And I am so happy I have finally found something to believe in... I find it quite helpful to read it in a British accent. I think it really get's the point across. (Like not quite the Queen's English, but rather like a Norfolk accent. In fact, you should probably give the video below a listen first. I don't want you to go screwing up your Norfolk accent, and then you not getting the point of Leap Year Day across, and then your day will likely be ruined... nay your life. As everything will literally just fall to shit. Everything. Not to make you nervous... but you better make this count...)
It so happened, in the year of the birth of our Redeemer, that the Lords of our Heavenly Domain, San Francisco, gathered for their quadannual picnic. And as each Lord of our Heavenly Domain arrived at the Sacred Park of Mimi, Madge, and Gaga, a dark shadow grew nearer and nearer. And while shadows are not uncommon whatsoever (in fact, as I sit hear scrawling on my papyrus with my Crane Quill, candle lit and glowing ever so effervescently, I am conjuring a shadow so magnificent and divine that it dares to call itself by another name), this particular shadow was particularly particular. It moved in a manner that was SO precise and exact, it looked as if it was a very straightforward, direct, and purposeful shadow moving on a very straightforward, direct, and purposeful path, that being one towards the Lords of our Heavenly Domain.
And as the straightforward, direct, and purposeful shadow plundered on through the Sacred Park of Mimi, Madge, and Gaga, the Lords of our Heavenly Domain heard a very deleteriously shrill sound. Nay, not a sound, but a speech. And the speech went thusly.
"It is I, Melissa Joan Hart, and I have come to steal your day!" speech-ed Melissa Joan Hart. "If you do not give me your day, then I shall, in the most straightforward, direct, and purposeful way I can, burn down your Sacred Park of Mimi, Madge, and Gaga, and all you will be left with is a burned pair of Loubtins, and a scattering of ripped hair extensions, and most definitely nowhere to hold your quadannual picnic."
The Lords of our Heavenly Domain, so entirely shocked at the site of Melissa Joan Hart, began to panic. It was in that moment of perturbation, that one of the Lords of our Heavenly Domain, a ladylike Lord named Liza Minnelli, suddenly screamed and opened wide his legs. Out from between his haunches fell a full grown man with a cape made of liquid gold, and eyes so piercing that whenever he looked at anyone, they began to bleed... but in a manner most pleasant (it really wasn't so dreary as what you may be thinking...). From between his own haunches he pulled out a sceptre, and pointed it at Melissa Joan Hart.
"And who are you?" speech-ed Melissa Joan Hart in a most straightforward, direct, and purposeful manner.
"It is I, Elton John, and I am here to banish you, for all eternity, from this day! And it is this day, one that shall happen but once every four years, without you ever being present. And it is this time you shall never be able to steal!"
And with that, he cast a spell so powerful that a horde of naked men came out from the point of his sceptre, and began singing Tiny Dancer, surrounding Melissa Joan Hart in a furied mesh of flesh, and ribbons, and song, until she was nothing but a C+ television actress, standing alone in the middle of a wood. And the Lords of our Heavenly Domain became joyful and jovial once more, and slept with each other and every one of the conjured men, and had their fill of cocktails and cocks and tails. And after it was all done and finished, they leaped through the air in joy, never to forget this fateful day.
And it was on this day, that our Redeemer, His Holiness Elton John, saved our world from Melissa Joan Hart, and created the Leap Year Day. And still to this day, all believers gather together, burn DVD's of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, put on Elton John's Greatest Hits album, have a picnic, and leap and leap and have sex and leap again, never to forget what His Holiness has done.
Thus ends the story.
I hope you have a Kleenex with you, because if you are anything like I was, you are probably drowning in tears. And it is this teaching that has helped me realized the true meaning of Leap Year Day. And never, ever, shall I forget it.
