I'm sure you've all heard about his right honorable Vic Toews in the past few days, and his proposed bill that would effectively make it mandatory for internet service providers to provide police with certain personal information without any warrant (name, phone number, IP address, email, etc.), whereas previously it was simply voluntary. Now while you may ask yourself, how does he have that right? To demand that kind of personal information without any warrant, thereby decrying us of any sort of personal privacy?
Well, I'm here to tell you, it is because all of us... each and every one of us, is a child pornographer. As Vic Toews so eloquently put it, whilst speaking with the House, "He can either stand with us, or with the child pornographers". Well... this is news to me! I guess the police are going to be busy, Vic, because there are a lot of people not standing with you and that sad excuse for a Jack Layton moustache. Which means only one thing. We are a country filled child pornographers.
So, in the spirit of the trending twitter topic #TellVicEverything, I have decided to do exactly that... tell Vic everything. I mean, I don't want to be accused of being a child pornographer! So I might as well come clean with my several, how shall we say, less savoury habits and characteristics.
So here are my Top Ten #TellVicEverything 's. Thank Goodness you convinced me to just come clean!
1. Sometimes, when I'm drunk, and I go to the bathroom, I don't wash my hands after... because I feel like if I do, it'll make me have to pee again. Weird I know, but I can't help it.
2. "So This is Christmas" is the 15th most played song on my Itunes. I've played it 134 times. Sometimes I play it and put my head in the freezer while eating Icy squares, just so I can pretend it's Christmas.
3. "Tik Tok" is the 21st most played song on my Itunes. I've played it 109 times. And I don't play it out of irony. I actually think it's a really well done song.
4. I jumped on the Canucks band wagon during the Stanley Cup Playoffs last year. I bought a Burrows jersey, and haven't even worn it. But if we make it to the finals, I'll wear it to every game and pretend I watched the entire season.
5. I think you have the perfect look to play a pedophile on SVU. You should really audition. I think you'd do great.
6. Even though I can't have gluten, sometimes I'll chew a cracker or a piece of cake just to remember what it tastes like, then discretely spit it out and pretend it never happened.
7. I would pick George W. Bush over Obama for a weekend camping trip. Any week. Any month. Any year. I get that he's the worst. But he's also the best. And sometimes I get upset when people say he's the worst. Because have you seen his face? It's hilarious.
8. I think Meryl Streep is overrated. THERE I SAID IT.
9. I pretend I can tell the difference between Coca-Cola and Pepsi, just to fit in with the cool kids. Because I'm super jealous of those people that will be at a restaurant and be like:
"Can I have a Coke?"
"Is Pepsi alright?"
"I'll actually just have a water."
But to me, they taste the exact fucking same.
10. I dislike most people. Like really... most people. Are just the worst. Like the way they dress, or the way they talk, or just carry themselves. Sometimes I'll be downtown, or on campus, and I'll catch myself literally giving some girl wearing a snowboarding jacket and bedazzled bellbottoms with running sneakers the stankiest side eye, and I'll have to turn away quickly, as to avoid upchucking my pretentious gluten free, vegan oat bar all over her fuckery that she calls an outfit. Because I'll see that outfit, and literally think that she's the worst. And I would say that maybe this is an area where I could improve myself, or change. But I don't want to. Because I don't want to like girls that wear snowboarding jackets and bellbottoms and running sneakers while walking through the Student Union Building INDOORS when bitch clearly is neither snowboarding nor running nor attending a disco. The worst.
UGHHHHH That feels so much better! I'm so glad I did that. Alright Vic Toews, now you know I'm not a child pornographer! Thank god. I really urge you all to make your own Top Ten List, and send it to Vic Toews. Email, twitter (@ToewsVic), in person, however you want! I'm also going to send him all the lude pictures I've taken of myself, just to make sure he knows they are out there.
Oh just wait! I'm sure he already know about those, don't you Vic!
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