FameTip #18 : All Good Things... End in Crossdressing

It seems as of late that I have been on a fairly substantial movie binge, watching as many films as I have time for in my day... at least when I am not going to sex conventions or eating entire stuffed crust pizzas... or perhaps eating entire stuffed crust pizzas while at sex conventions. The most recent of these films which I found particularly inspiring, if I could use such a word, is a fairly recent Ryan Gosling number named "All Good Things", costarring the incessantly inebriated Kirsten Dunst, and the ambiguously European Frank Langella. At first glance, this film seems to document the struggles of a pubescent marriage; the problems that no doubt arise in all recent nuptials that include an heir to a multi-millionaire dollar fortune partnered with an incredibly free spirit, heir to the stresses and fragmented poverty of a blue-collar life. I would like to say that I was sorely wrong.

I don't know what it is about my choices as of late, but I seem to be constantly thrown for a loop as to my perceived viewing experience when it has come to the films within the past week that I have seen. After watching All Good Things, I can honestly say that halfway through, when I thought the movie was about to end, I suddenly was graced with this:



Yes, that is Ryan Gosling. Yes, he is in a dress, wig, glasses, and makeup. Yes, he looks like a cross between Mrs. Doubtfire and old Briony from Atonement. And yes, this is based on a true story. When I look at the picture of him, I imagine him smelling like Polident and potpourri. And owning an entire chest full of costume jewelry and shawls. He seems like he would be fun... that is until you watch the movie. And then you realized how absolutely terrifying Ryan Gosling is as David Marks and/or Davita (?) Marks. If I ever came across this gentlelady in an alley, I would hope to heavens that I had my running shoes on, because if not, he'd be after me with a paring knife and hacksaw. Is it odd, though, that despite how terrifying he is, I still find him comforting in a pleasant-old-grannie/unconvicted-murderer sort of way?

I don't want to tell you what happens in this movie. Just know that it is incredibly disturbing (and not only because I'm sure you are wondering what kind of paaaanties Ryan Gosling is wearing), and that I now suspect all Real Estate owners to be murderers. Every last one of them. I also suspect all of them to to wear floral-print blouses and blue eye shadow when they are home alone. And own hacksaws. All while high.

Perhaps even more disturbing to me was the reuniting of Meg and Amy March (aka. Kirsten Drunkst and Trini(dad) Alvarado) in this bizarre, pseudo Little-women world where the biggest problem isn't who is kissing Teddy and the death of Pig Face Danes, but it's TRYING TO FINDA A GOD DAMN MURDERER DRESSED AS A MO EFFIN WOMAN. Marmie would clearly have no effing idea how to deal with that. Writing a strongly worded letter isn't going to stop someone from chopping a lady up in bits, Marmie. Giving someone an orange and butter isn't going to bring them back from the dead, Marmie. If Marmie wants to do anything to help, she's gotta take off that costume and Susan Sarandon that beetch up.

In all honesty, this is an incredible movie. I was shocked the Ms. Drunkst could hold a scene without throwing up somewhere or taking a shot of Jack, and Ryan Gosling will truly haunt you in his satin smock. Just be prepared to watch in horror as Ryan Gosling looks hotter than you ever could in drag. I guess that's what I need to do... granted only by the time I turn 50. Dress in drag, pretend I'm a mute, and spritz myself with eau de potpourri. That and become extremely proficient with a hacksaw.