Today, on the eve of my wedding, I lay upon my deathbed... duvet damp with a feverish sweat, skin as white as a caucasian. I feel as though such pain and misery has been felt by none throughout the history of our peoples. Scarlet Fever, The Bubonic Plague, and the whips and scorns of Pharaoh's army can lick my Swine infested nape. Yes my nape... I hear the disease runs rampant there. All because I made out with a pig, I have been left with such a sense of... deathliness. And for this, I am shamed, but with my shame shall come my fame (see what I did there? That was a rhyme).
Just because my sentences are dripping with falsities and fabrications does not make them untrue. It only strengthens the fact that I am convinced I have been infested with the Pig Jig, the Ham Sham, the Horky Porky. In this, the age of impending Epidemics and the less constant appearance of "I seen that happen" in casual conversation, I find myself questioning what, if anything, could we have done to stop this tragedy. This is why I have created a list of 5 things that I wish our Peoples would have done, so that I would not have woken up with the Curly Pink Stink (ewe).
5. Killed all Pigs when we could have - I'm sure there have been several event's throughout the Earth's history, when we could have killed off the Pig Race. When the first Pig had evolved, what with it's upturned nose and corkscrew penis (it's true, look it up), we should have taken the opportunity to absolutely CRUSH any chance of the pigs overpopulating our Planet... by stepping on it.
4. Evolved into Fortune Tellers - If only we could have seen this H1NoFun virus coming when we looked into our crystal balls oh so many years ago, this could have been prevented. I bet we would have seen the onslaught that is Gossip Girls and Lindsay Lohan as well, and they too could have been prevented (but only after Lindsay completed the cinematic gem "The Parent Trap"... my fav).
3. Become Immune - Maybe if people had been making out with Pigs since the beginning of time, our DNA would have mutated together, and we would be even stronger now than we have ever been before, and we would be able to lay strips of bacon like a chicken lays an egg, and the world would never go hungry.
2. Lived in the sky - If we had lived in the sky like the Jetsons, we would be far from pigs on Earth, thus we would not have been affected.
And lastly, the Number 1 thing I wish our people would have done is:
1. Cast so many spells - This is sooo self explanatory. I would have Avada Kedavra'd anything that came my way, involving Swine Flu. Yes, that means the infected. I am sorry, but they, like asbestos from modern contract work, would have to go.
So there you have it. Swine Flu. Who thought pigs would be the end of civilization as we know it?
I know I did. But once my Swine Flu is actually realized by the doctors, they will parade me around through laboratories like a rat drugged up on Ancient Mexican Beer and watch me run. And I'll be famous.
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